Saturday, December 31, 2011

The LORD saved me in 2011! :)

[Re-posted from my Tumblr: cloudywithadoseofsmiles.tumblr.com] I just wrote an entire poem on where God has taken me from a year to this day. It’s been an incredible journey. God has changed my heart and redeemed me from my past, and I can look back with a smile knowing that my future is brighter because of the LORD and the huge plans He has for my life. I don’t need to walk in shame anymore! I don’t need to hide my story in the shade anymore! I’m not ashamed to spill my testimony, because God has done a miraculous work inside of me and He’ll still molding it. I am in awe at His Majesty. My words lack the ability to describe the glory of the LORD. All I know is that I have been saved and if it hadn’t been for North Central and the amazing people surrounding me last year, I would have fallen away from the LORD and I would be living a completely different life. Honestly, I believe I would have been pregnant with the mindset and emotions I had. I was trapped in a physical relationship with a guy who was abusing me, as much as I hate to say that. He was my boyfriend for a year-and-a-half, and three months after we broke up the physical stage started up again. It was the most confusing time period of my life. I was broken and being used as his puppet. The thing is: I was doing it willingly and didn’t fight it. I wanted to kiss him and love him, even if we weren’t dating still. I wanted that feeling of human love that no one else was giving me at the moment. It felt good in the moment, but after it was done it was horrible. I beat myself up about it and guilt weighed down on my shoulders. I know the LORD didn’t want me to do it, and I felt Him speak strongly against it. Yet I continued to do it. I shoved God’s voice into a box and let my own selfish self take over. The sinful nature in me was taking control, and I was powerless outside of that. My behavior continued into the summer, where I saw my ex-boyfriend two or three times. Each time we made-out at his house or in his car. During the last time I saw him, though, I knew it had to end. We ended up kissing, but after I slammed the door shut in my car I drove away with thoughts screaming inside of my head. This is coming to an end. I’m sick of it. LORD, save me! I didn’t exactly break down and give everything to the LORD then, though. It was a few weeks later when I packed all my belongings and moved into my dorm for my sophomore year of college. During our first floor meeting (which consisted of only freshmen/transfer students, my RA, and my two DLs) we all squished ourselves in my RAs room for a night of sharing where God has taken us. I had no idea what I was going to share. I started off listening to everyone else’s stories and based what I was going to share off of that. But then the LORD spoke to me. You have to be vulnerable tonight. It’s time to spill your secret and begin a season of healing and recovery. So I did. I didn’t know how or why, but I let loose. I broke down it tears. I was a complete wretch. Heck, I didn’t even know most of these girls I was disclosing myself to! I was being completely open and honest with them. I didn’t hold anything back. But the LORD was with me that night, He held me and comforted me. I walked back to my room that night full of peace. I knew I had to do what I did, and I went on from that day with my heart totally open to the LORD’s voice. He’s brought me through a time of restoration and patched up all the stains from my past. I am a new creation! I am a beautiful princess in the LORD’s eyes! He has washed me clean and I’m never going back. That’s what the LORD has done these past few months. And not only has He started a brand new path for me, but He’s unleashed my spirit into fervent and passionate prayer. I’m learning what it means to be prayerful and hear the LORD’s voice in all circumstances. I’m praying more and more, little by little, but it’s a work in progress I am so excited to be venturing on. The LORD is holding me in His arms. Although the future is scary and unknown, I don’t have to be afraid because the LORD is with me! He will never leave me nor forsake me! I am His, and He is mine. <3

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

I Thought I Was Packing...

This is definitely not a procrastination blog. Nope, no way. Ha.
[note the obvious use of sarcasm]
...It's not for homework, though!!!!!!!
Packing. Oh packing. :-)
HOW I DO NOT WANT TO START YOU YET!!!
So, I write. I read, I post, I search, I view. I avoid the mess of clothes and textbooks piled on my desk chair, the mountain of dirty dishes piling on the dresser, the vacuum sitting unplugged in the middle of the room. I'd rather just relax now and express my thoughts.
And so it continues to the actual meaningful part of the blog, the meat. Oh so yummy. -_-
Ahhhh, what to talk about? Once again, a lot is on my mind. The past four days have been quite ridiculous, really. Yes, it was finals week, but then there was the guys and all this other drama thrown in. It turned out to be a salad of craziness. But now it's over!! The end of the week. My heart rests with joy. :-)
But then again, life goes on, right? There's always something waiting to catch you, halt you in the middle of your path, or push you aside. The road of life is never-ending, as cliche as that sounds.
Right now I am soooooo excited to go home. I really am. It's coming at the perfect time! Not simply because I need a break from classes and studying, but because I get to be with my family and rest! I get to get away from people who... honestly, I'm sick of being around right now. There's so many fantastic and encouraging people at North Central, but I'm at that point where I need to get away and be alone. Or with those closest to me -- my family. My mom, stepdad, and "little" sister. I love them so much. More than they know. Sometimes I feel like I don't show them that all the time. I come across as bitter and selfish, where at the same time my heart knows every action and word I'm saying and I beat myself up over it. I don't know what it is. I feel like we all wear this mask around people closest to us, in a way. At least those we have had a past with and have certain expectations of us. It's so hard to change and become someone else who they may not like, or simply just over-accommodate your situation and pamper you. I don't need to be specially treated if I share something super deep, uplifting, joyful, loving, whatever! You don't need to muster up in tears and comfort me. Sometimes I hate that... It's awkward. Uncomfortable. Blehhh. Ewwwww.
But overall, I'm very excited to go home. Of course I will miss a few people here -- such as Emily, Cody, Amanda, and Michael -- but the more I think about it, the more I want home. I miss my cold striped tan sheets with a thick layer of blankets over it. I miss my pretty-smelling Bath & Body Works candles. I miss my mom's spaghetti. I miss having breakfast with my grandma at Perkin's after working at 5:00 a.m. in the morning. I miss having St. Buffaville days with Angie and Neil. The list goes on and on. It's all in perfect timing right now. God's timeliness is so perfect. He always has things occur right on the dot, even though we may not understand it at the time. I think He just laughs at us from His throne in heaven, grinning because we humans are so confused yet trust the Lord. But He always works things together for our good!! I love that. I cannot even begin to fathom the extremities of that, but it's true. Real stuff, bro.
So as I finish this blog, I just want to end it off on a happy note. End it off by saying that everything is going to be okay and the Lord has a plan for everything going on in your life! This semester has been fruit of that. God has taught me and shown me so much about my own life and others around me. If you ever want to sit and talk, I'd be more than happy to. But go in peace! Go in rest! Enjoy this time of thankfulness and joy with family, and kick back in the Lord's grace. Live in Him. <3

Monday, December 12, 2011

You, With Your Words Like Knives

It literally makes me sick that you would do that. I feel like I could vomit because of what you did. No, you don't know how it affected me. You have no idea. When you asked, I responded honestly. I opened my heart and didn't hold anything back. And your response? What a joke. It's as if you read between the lines of another story. I don't know how to trust you anymore. I want to, so badly, but because of the way you hide things in the dark and toy around with me like a marionette is NOT respectful. At all.
[sigh]
I don't mean to sound rude or hateful... The issue of trust is just a huge deal to me, and when someone breaks it, it irritates me hardcore. It tears me apart. And I'm sorry if I sound like an emotional Avril Lavigne or Taylor Swift song... Although, the only song spinning in my head for the last hour has been "Mean" off of the latter's new album.
You, with your words like knives
And swords and weapons that you use against me
You have knocked me off my feet again
Got me feeling like I'm nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard
Calling me out when I'm wounded
You picking on the weaker man
Your words have been so manipulative lately. I don't know if they're real, from-the-heart or if they're fake, sketchy words to conceal the truth. I never knew you well enough to unveil who you really are, but when I met you, I respected you and thought you were one of the friendliest people. I was looking forward to get to know you. All of a sudden, in a matter of 48 hours, our friendship went from the top of a roller coaster to the bottom dip. I don't know anymore.
I guess what this blog is basically trying to say is that trust is something I treasure so much. I value it, and I think I let people get away with it too much. I don't protect my heart or my words very well. That, I know, is something I need to work on, but I still don't understand why things like this happen. It shakes me inside.
Now I'm terrified to trust anyone. I told myself that I wouldn't let anyone carve through the layers of my onion too quickly, but you... I handed you the chef's knife and you went straight in. Never again. At least not for a while, until the pieces of my heart have been picked back up again and I meet someone who is mature enough to trust.
As for the meantime, God's got me under his wings of love. His love never ceases to amaze me, and I am captivated by His beauty. He cares about me and will never leave me nor forsake me. I'm going to focus on falling so deeply in love with Christ and dive into His presence more and more everyday. He will be my number one source of love, and I won't have to seek it out in others.
"Every word of God is pure; He is a Shield to those who put their trust in Him." -Proverbs 30:5
Also... I'm sorry. I don't want to come across as hurtful or nagging. I just need to be honest and speak what's on my heart, even though I know only one or maybe two people will read this. I forgive the person who did this to me. And really, it wasn't a big deal. It's really quite silly. And I feel kind of dumb for writing this blog right now. But hey, you gotta spill your emotions out somewhere, right?

Exegetical Moments

I know I shouldn't be blogging... But I can't help but not to at this time of night/morning. It's 5:23 a.m.!! HOLY BANANAS. That's what I've been exclaiming silently for the past two hours. I can't believe I'm still as awake as I am. I've only drank three cups of coffee today, with the last being over four hours ago. My feet have that prickly feeling from falling asleep. I've been sitting at my desk for four hours now writing this stinkin' exegesis paper. Actually, "stinkin'" in the wrong word to describe it... I'm actually really enjoying writing this paper! It just takes a lot of work and effort. I had no motivation to start it the past few days, so it finally dawned on me this morning that I had to start it soon otherwise I would suffer severe consequences (this paper is worth 50% of my grade!). So, I did. I treated myself to an extra few hours of sleep this morning and woke up at 10:00 a.m. roughly to begin the paper. Once I got into it, I didn't want to stop. I honestly LOVE reading these commentaries on 1 Corinthians! I sound like such a Bible nerd, but it's so true. I just want to read, read, read, and not write! It's not like I despise writing, it's just reading about the Bible is too much of an exciting activity. Now I'm taking a break from the paper. I have a little over 400 words left, but even still, I have so much to add and subtract. Lots of revision and editing will be done by the time I must turn it in this afternoon. Three hours until I have breakfast with two of my friends -- we're studying for our Intro to Comm & Theory final! :-D Just gotta make it 'til then, and hopefully finish the rough copy of my paper so I can focus entirely on editing after I finish that final. It's going to be a rough day! But with God all things are possible, right? He provides the strength and the energy to get through the day, even if its through caffeinated sources such as coffee and Mt. Dew. ;-) Ahhhhhh! The Lord is so, so good. I cannot begin to fathom His magnificent love for us! In every circumstance, whether it be joyous, calm, sticky, or sad, He ALWAYS intervenes and makes a way! Although we may be blind to it initially, the Lord always leads us through the right doors when we are in-sync with His voice. Thank you Jesus for all you have given me. Love you. :-) Now back to my paper! Wish me luck as I continue learning about the church in Corinth -- quite the boisterous church, hmmmm? We can learn so much through Paul's epistles he wrote to the believers there. I challenge you to go, plop down on your comfy bed, dig out a warm blanket, warm some hot chocolate up, and read through 1 & 2 Corinthians! It'll blow your mind. Because God's REALLY good at doing that.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

This Is My Prayer In The Battle

I don't know anymore. I'm in denial, and my emotions cringe inside my stomach. My skin shakes at the thought of what's going on. It's nothing bad, but it's not clear yet. It's totally a grey area for me, and I need the Lord to stay at the center of everything going on. I believe He has the best plan for my life, and I always needed to be tuned in to His voice so I can follow that path. Tonight I was faced with something that totally hit me off-guard. I saw it in the horizon, but I never thought it would happen. And it did. I need to stay focused and trust in the Lord. I can't let this be a distraction from everything God's doing in my life. Maybe this is part of it, I don't know. This is my prayer...
Lord, please give me the focus to keep my attention on you alone. Let my actions and words be a reflection of you in every aspect of my life. Let the things that are popping up on every corner not distract me from the plan you have for my life. Give me discernment to make the right decisions, even though they make be hard to face. I know that you carry me in Your arms and want the best for me. Everything you do is for my good, because you created me and love me with a love unlike any other. Thank you Jesus for everything you have poured into my life now. The friends, family, jobs, shelter, food... EVERYTHING. Let nothing be wasted or gone unnoticed in my life. I want to live my life as a living sacrifice for you, O Lord. So God, in this time of uncertainty and surprise, let my foundation in You not be shaken. I will hold on firmly to you, my Rock and my Savior. You are the Lord Almighty and Your promises and word keep amazing me. I will never be able to comprehend the intimacy of the love you showed for me through the death of Your Son on the cross. Thank you for forgiving me and loving me for who I am. For all my mistakes, failures, wrongdoings... You love me still. Thank you Jesus and let all the praise be given to You! <3

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Unending Joy :)

It's 11:16 p.m. at night. My stomach growls with hunger (even though I just ate a Velveeta mac & cheese cup), and worship musics fills the background. It's a beautiful evening. My roommate Emily and I plopped ourselves on the dirty blue carpet, dug out our Crayola coloring crayons, and began coloring our coloring books. Mine is Disney princess and hers is some random cute animal book. It was legit girl time. We chit-chat about boys, and laughed left and right. It reminded me of high school. I realized that I never really do spontaneous activities with people -- I'm super structured and revolve my life around my phone's calendar. It's silly, really. Sometimes you just need to let loose of a schedule, and have fun! Jump off the cliff, make mistakes, laugh until your stomach hurts! I know this is super cliche, but it's so true. My mind is already set in winter break mode. My motivation for anything school-related has drained down the hole. I don't want to write this 10-page pager on 1 Corinthians 13. I don't want to study for Old Testament or Intro to Comm & Theory. I don't want to do anything that involves research. And now I sound so stupid. I'm not trying to complain, I just have to speak my feelings. This is my sponge that soaks in everything rotating around my mind. And speaking of everything rotating around my mind, so much has happened today. I don't want to go on a huge rant about everything, but basically I had two revelations today.
First, during chapel (which was super great, because two of my old youth leaders visited me!) God filled me totally and completely with His joy. A huge smile was slapped across my face as I raised my hands in awe of Him. He is so good! I can't get over the Lord's incredible, relentless, never-ending love for us. I can't even comprehend it. He has revealed His heart and His love to me in so many ways this year -- my heart sings thankfulness to the Lord! He has been my Friend when I've had none, He has been my Deliverer that saved me from my past, He has been my Hope when I've had none, He has been my Provider when I've had no idea how I was going to pay for something... The list goes on and on! God reveals himself in both the big and the small ways. The ways we pass by in the blink of an eye. You know that smile someone gave you in the hallway after you had a rough conversation on the phone with your mom today? THAT was God showing his love for you. You know the note you found in your mailbox by that girl on your floor today? THAT was God speaking to you through writing. It's so cool seeing His presence shine through every moment! My spirit longs to be in constant intimacy with Him. I want my eyes set on the Lord in everything I do. I want to be compelled by His love and the blood He shed on the cross in my everyday actions. Basically, it was a celebratory day! A day to celebrate and rejoice for all the goodness He's showed me this year so far. I'm so grateful for the place I am. There's no other place I'd rather be. God is shaping me and building me into the woman of God He wants me to be.
Okay, second revelation. I went out to coffee with one of my really good guy friends from college today. I met him last year in New Testament when I sat next to him on the first day of class, and ever since, we've become super tight. He's a super passionate, loving, and bold man of God. He encourages me so much and challenges me in my walk with the Lord. We're also both directors on SMB (Student Ministries Board) at my school. While we were chatting over coffee at Open Book Cafe today, we were able to share our testimonies and what God has been doing in each of our lives lately. I wasn't expecting to share as much as I did, but I learned to trust him with both the pretty and the ugly details of my story. I knew I couldn't sugarcoat anything. After I spilled out my story on the table, he did the same. And then he went on talking about his passion and his heart for God's call on his life. He did over 70% of the talking, but that was just fine in my book. I love listening to people and hearing their stories one-on-one. I like being their human journal; something that can take in everything on a person's mind and heart and let it soak in. Even though I don't have all the answers right away, I have a genuine interest and care for people's lives. I want to help them grow, and encourage and lift them up as best as I can. Today was one of those days where I just listened. I let my heart take in everything he had to say, and I was shaken. Not badly shaken, but shaken with joy. I realized... well, let me just say it. I realized that I do like him. Very much. He's fun, loving, full of the Lord, passionate, supporting, and full of wisdom. I know that he is willing to do whatever it takes to follow God's will for his life. It's so cool seeing that big of passion flow from his heart. He wants to change the world, and he will with the selfless and humble attitude he has. So, I dunno. I guess I like him. A lot. :-) He's super sweet and I want to get to know him more and be a bigger part of his life. I care so much for him and want to continue to be there for him along the way.