Day #6: Closed Door

Time to call that person again.

I pick up my phone, and my fingers dial the 10-digit number. Cautiously pressing the phone up against my ear, I cross my fingers on my left hand and hope that the person doesn't answer. As the dial signal drains on, I anxiously await the voicemail. 10 more seconds.

"Hello?"

I skip a breath. My hopes are crushed. Disappointed, my voice perks up and starts asking away at whatever I was planning on speaking to the person about.

Does this scenario sound familiar?

You call someone, and you purposely wait for the voicemail so you don't have to interact with the person live.

I think it's funny how often we humans do this, especially in this digital age. We're becoming more and more afraid of conversation. And with this comes a fear of intimacy.

I have a fear of intimacy. That's what my eyes have become open to this summer.

At Caribou, I plant my feet behind the register and gaze down at the screen after punching in the customer's order, careful not to say too much to the guest, because that would be invading their privacy. I'm only an employee, anyway. Why would they want to establish a connection with me? I wear a brown apron and serve them coffee every day. No one special.

And it's not limited to work. I walk back to my room after work, and crash down on my bed or the chair and shut the door behind me. I seclude myself from my suitemates, because the introvert in me needs space.

Whatever the situation may be, I've learned that I'm terrified of stepping outside my comfort zone to interact with people I'm not close with already.

The funny thing is, as Christians, this is our calling. In Matthew 28:19, it says, "Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations." We are called to reach people of all shapes, colors, and backgrounds.

As if this isn't enough, God calls us to live our lives openly. In 2 Corinthians 6:11-13, Paul writes about  his interaction with the Corinthians:

"We have spoken FREELY to you, Corinthians, and OPENED WIDE OUR HEARTS TO YOU. We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. As a fair exchange -- I speak as to my children -- open wide your hearts also."

Paul and his companions spoke freely to the Corinthians and opened their hearts wide to them. They didn't hold anything back. They swung wide open the door of intimacy, and didn't allow anything to come between them. They were real and authentic, and didn't hide themselves in the shadows.

This is how I want to live. I want to embrace my identity as a child of light.

Instead of shaking behind the register at work, I want to get to know our guests and encourage them in their daily lives. 

Instead of escaping to the corridors of my room when I get home from work, I want to stop by people's rooms in the hall on the way back and say hello.

Instead of keeping my door shut, I want to keep it open to let others in. And not just a physical, wooden door -- the door of my heart.

**Are you afraid of intimacy? Do you hide yourself from others? What's causing you to build a wall up around yourself?

Day #5: Mother to the Motherless

I'm sitting here in the kitchen waiting for the cookie dough in the fridge to harden so I can make sweet little pink peanut butter blossoms. They're my gift to my mom and grandma for Mother's Day.
Speaking of mothers, I am blessed by these two fabulous women who have nurtured and cared for me the past 20-and-a-half years of my life. Ever since I popped out as a crying infant in the hospital room, my mom and grandma have provided for me and helped shape me into the woman I am today. They always make sure I have a penny in my pocket and encourage me when I'm having a rough day. Without them, I don't know where I would be. I probably wouldn't be baking these peanut butter blossoms, for one thing (my grandma is a killer baker who taught me well).

Today is the day we get to celebrate the blessing of the mothers in our lives. I am blessed to have a mother and two grandmothers, but there are some people who many not have any. It's to these people I want to reach out to in this blog post.

Many of you have probably heard that God is a "father to the fatherless." (Psalm 68:5)
He fills the place of a father in many people's lives, even to those who have an earthly father. He gives us strength and boldness, and He fights for us through any battle or storms that arises in our life.
He calls us His beloved children, and knows us each individually. He knows the number of hairs on our head and wraps us in His arms with love and grace.

But God also mirrors the figure of a mother.
This may sound strange to some, because so many visualize God as a strong warrior or king. God would never weep for His children, would He? He would never nurture us like a mother nurses her baby, would He?
Yet, God is not confined to a gender. He is neither male nor female. In fact, BOTH man and woman were created in the image of God. (Genesis 1:27)

This Mother's Day, I encourage you to look to God to fill the empty gap of a mother in your life. Whether your mother died, abandoned you and your family, or any other circumstance, let God wrap His loving and tender arms around you like a mother would. Let Him gently speak words of kindness to you and let Him take care of all your struggles and restlessness.

What good mothers do best is take care of their children, no matter what kind of mess they get into. They pray for their children, cook them hearty warm meals, wash their dirty clothes, and send them care packages in the mail when they go far away.
God loves you and prays for you daily.
He will nourish you not only physically, but spiritually with His Living Water and Bread of Life.
He washes your dirty stains of sin away, and makes them white as snow.
He sends messengers into your life to remind you of your place.

Rest, O lost and abandoned child. You don't have to fear, worry, or cry any longer. He is there with open arms, ready to shower love over you. All you need to do is let go and let Him love you, just like a mother would.

**Do you have a mother or a mother figure in your life? What do you cherish most about them? If not, how can you allow God to be a mother to you?

Day #4: Portion

Today I read Psalm 73.
In verses 2-12, the psalmist confesses his jealousy of the rich and their wealth. He explains how they "have no struggles and their bodies are healthy and strong," and that they are "not plagued by human life." He envies this.
But then he shifts perspectives and sees the wickedness buried inside of them. He sees their pride as a banner beaming from their very beings.

Suddenly, the psalmist is vulnerable with us. He shares a struggle he's hidden within him.

"Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence." (vs. 13)

Whoa. That struck me.
It makes me cringe inside. I wonder, is my heart truly pure? Is what people see genuine, and not for the benefit or pleasure of my own good?

I'm thrown into restlessness between my flesh and spirit.
My flesh screams that I am a nice person. Plus, everybody else says I am too. I'm the sweet, innocent girl that would never hurt a fly. I encourage people and love them for who they truly are, right?
Yet something in my spirit cannot rest with that conclusion... Something is wrong.

I struggle to say it, but pride is one of my crutches. I cling to it, even when I'm doing good unto others. I love to help people, but many times only for my own sake. I love to talk to people, but only so they can help me with my problems.

I don't know how to give back wholeheartedly for nothing in return. I don't know how to give up my comforts -- my perfectly oriented schedule, my penny-tight budget and my American lifestyle -- for the sake of authenticity.

So I wonder, am I genuine? Or am I just faking it so others shower affection over me?

This battle of authenticity is not an easy fight.
Everyday I try to serve others -- not out of vanity -- but out of ridiculous, pure love. I try to be the hands and feet of Jesus to others with no spotlight on what I can gain. Many times I fail, but sometimes I succeed.

All I know is that I am thankful for the grace that God bestows upon me, even in the midst of my fallouts. This morning, my friend texted me a verse that sums this up. Ironically, it's in Psalm 73:

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (vs. 26)

Let that be your battle cry. God is your PORTION that is bigger than all of your failures. Not only does He cover them, but He wipes them away and replaces them with His strength.
His strength is our foundation in times of failure.

**Do you beat yourself up after failing? What do you turn to when things are crumbling apart? Do you cling to the Word and remember that God is one who always forgives and love, even through all of your pain?

Day #3: My Constant

I'm sitting here on my freshly made bed, my feet sprawled out over the covers as the cool breeze blows in from the window to my right. The smell of rain fills my nostrils, and I am put at peace. It's one of my favorite scents.

This feeling of peace... it's something I haven't experienced in a while.

The past week has been full of TRANSITION. I finished my third year of college, I said goodbye to many dear friends, I moved into a new building, and I started a new job.

I've been very weary and unsettled, and I haven't felt like myself. But now that my roommate and I have moved into our new place, my body, mind, and spirit can finally rest. And it's wonderful.

But even in the midst of all my ups and downs, and my all-nighters and early mornings the past week, I've clung to one thing to keep me going. That one thing?

It's Jesus. He is my constant. My journal and my Bible have been my stuck to my side during all the craziness, and I've opened them to be encouraged and strengthened through this wild process of change.

See, even in the middle of whatever you're going through, you can always trust in Jesus and know that He'll be there if you make Him your foundation. He never leaves, no matter how far you run away. 

He's waiting for you to take your empty cup to the fountain of life. He will fill you will Living Water and restore your soul.

**Are you in a dry season or on rugged terrain? When's the last time you plugged into the fountain of life on a constant basis?

Day #2: A Wild Pursuit

It was a chilly May night, the day after Finals, and my closest friends and I pulled an all-nighter together driving around the city of Minneapolis. After stuffing ourselves with breakfast food and pie at Denny's and parking near a scenic bridge to listen to worship music together, we made our way to the infamous "Makeout Point" in the Quarry. Once our orange car was subtly parked in the fogginess on top of the grassy hill that overlooked the city skyline, we pumped up the worship music once again and sat there for an hour in the stillness of God's presence. We prayed for each other, and then in a rush, I jumped out of the car and ran.

My feet pranced across the bushy grass, racing as fast as a deer's.

My eyes were fixed on the sunrise in the distance, nothing else.

My steps were swift and my strides were long. I couldn't stop!

I was free and overflowing with joy.

Then I danced at the edge of the plain to where the hill ended sharply and sloped violently downwards on a path of dirt.

It was the most free I've felt in my life.

Today I wondered, Am I actively pursuing God in the same way I ran out of the car to the edge of the field five days ago? Am I wildly jumping out into unknown, racing past anything in my way until I reach the very face of God?

The pursuit that God wants of us is supposed to be wild. It's supposed to be dangerous, not comfortable. Because comfortable equates stability, and stability is not part of growth.

I've become complacent. My hands are reaching towards God and my heart is groaning to know Him more, but my feet are glued to the ground of my own complacency. I'm screaming to Him, but my ears cannot hear because I'm too far away from Him.

All I want is for God's arms to envelop me in His beauty and love. I want to be captured and swept off my feet by Him, but I cannot experience this until I step into the gap that's separating us.

Why can't I move my feet into the vacant space? My feet feel like bricks being weighed down by my fears. I've constructed a wall that no one can tear down. It is a glass wall, but nonetheless, it is there.

I cannot move my feet because I am afraid of intimacy. I am afraid of the wild pursuit that God desires of me. I am afraid to give up my comforts to be closer to His heart.

But I know He is calling me out onto the waters. I know it. His voice is ever so clear, I'm just choosing to avoid it. Instead of risking myself for Him, I slumber away, actively ignoring His call.

He says, "Daughter, come out onto the waters. Step out of the boat and walk upon the waters. Reach for my hand and I will hold you. I will not let the waves overtake you."

A tug-o-war erupts inside of me. My spirit is aching for my Beloved, my Lord... but my flesh hesitates, flooding my head with worries. What if I stumble? What if I fall? What if the waves come crashing down on me?

No.

I cannot pledge my allegiance to my flesh any longer. I cannot sit in my place of comfort anymore. My spirit is trembling to budge, to move forward into oceans deep.

I'm like Peter, who Jesus called forth upon the waters as the disciples were on their fishing boat. Peter took a leap of faith and stepped onto the roaring seas. He saw Jesus standing out there, and that was the only hope he needed. He pursued Jesus wildly.

It's time for me to respond to the voice that is across the waters. It's time for this wall to fall and for me to step closer to God. It's time for me to run towards Him, pushing past all of my fear, pride, worry, and failures.

It's time to wildly pursue His heart.

**What is holding you back from pursuing Jesus wholly? Are you holding something back from Him that is creating a barrier between you and Him?

Day #1: The Beauty of Rawness

This is the first of my summer blogs, which I am aiming to write DAILY. It's a stretch, but I know it will strengthen my writing and challenge me in communicating what the Lord is teaching to me with others. Every day I will focus on a passage of Scripture or a daily happening that takes place. Writing is the way the Lord communicates most clearly to me, so I wanted to increase my presence on this platform this summer to strengthen and encourage you wherever you're at in your walk with the Lord. I pray and hope my writing will be a blessing to you this summer, as I pour out what the Lord is going to be pouring into me this summer.

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I remember when I was younger and my mom would make me clean my room every week.

"Honey, it's time to clean your room!"As my mother's voice droned through the hallway, I would hustle and bustle in my room to pick the mess of toys, clothes, crayons and other junk off my floor. But instead of properly putting it back in its rightful place, I would stuff it under my bed or in my closet. My standard was that if the floors were relatively clean, my room was clean. No questions asked.

Later my mom discovered all of my belongings I would so cleverly tuck away into the corners of my room. I was disciplined by being grounded or given a timeout. Sadly, I did not learn my lesson until I was 10-years-old.

In the same way, we can be childish in the way we present ourselves. We can either choose to put on a mask and pretend everything is okay, or we can be real with people, even in the midst of our problems and brokenness.

In Matthew 23:25, Jesus criticizes the Pharisees for their fakeness.

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisees!"

You see, the Pharisees portrayed themselves like they had everything all together. They presented themselves as holy and righteous to the people, but on the inside they stank of greed, pride and arrogance.

They were fake.

I wonder, do I present myself to people as real and honest, or fake? This is what I've come to realize the past few weeks:

For so long I've focused on maintaining my "outer" personality. I try to fit in with the crowd by cracking the same kinds of jokes and attending every social event organized. I work tirelessly to present myself as the sweet and innocent girl that would never hurt a fly, because Jesus would never hurt anybody.

I've become succumbed to the sickness of striving, and it's eating away at my soul.

I strive to fit into the mold that others expect me to be.

I strive to avoid conflict.

I strive, because I'm afraid of myself and who God created me to be.

And this striving? Well, it's fake. It's a technique to cover up who I really am inside. It's like going through the motions without soul. It's robot-like living.

I don't want to strive anymore. I don't want to conform to the patterns of the world anymore. I don't want to seek to meet every person's expectations of me, because I wasn't meant to please people. I am meant to please God.

Instead of striving to fit into the cookie cutter templates that people have formed for me, I'm going to reach for HOLINESS. Instead of focusing on my outward personality, I'm going to focus on my heart. I'm going to focus on being raw and genuine.

Because you only know the realness of something by its rawness.

I'm going to clean the inside of my cup, just like Jesus said in verse 26:

"First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean."

And when the inside of my cup is clean, the outside will also be clean. I won't have to strive anymore. I won't have to try to cover up all my problems and mistakes.
There will be beauty in rawness, no matter how ugly it may be. Because when Jesus is at your core, shining out holiness from your inner being, His light casts out all condemnation and insecurity. He is your only standard, and you can rejoice among sorrow and pain.

**What are you hiding on the inside that needs to be washed away? Are people seeing the real you, or just a mirage?